What To Do When Your Vision for Life Differs From Your Loved One’s
Just because they love you doesn’t mean they’ll support you…at first
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I was in high school the first time I dreamed about traveling abroad. My school was planning to send one of its students to France as part of an exchange. I was eager and applied, but ultimately lost out to another girl.
A bit over a decade later, I had achieved my dream of visiting France, and I had also lived in Mexico and Egypt.
In 2019, my passion for travel, languages, and culture led me to make a bold decision: I wanted to move and live outside of the U.S. for a few years, and Egypt would be my first destination.
There was only one obstacle in my mind: How would I tell my family about this decision?
Growing up in a tight-knit Latino family was a blessing but stress-inducing at times. I lived with my mom up to this point, and I spent most of my time with her, my grandmother, and my aunts and uncles when I wasn’t at work. That was part of the reason I wanted to move abroad, but also, life in Boston no longer felt exciting, and I missed the memory of my two years in Cairo while in graduate school betwee 2015 to 2017.
I had been planning my trip to Egypt since March 2019, and by August of that same year I had already quit my job, bought my plane ticket, booked an Airbnb, and paid for the CELTA course I would be taking the following month to start an ESL teaching career.
But no one in my family knew anything yet.
On August 13, the night of my 29th birthday, I struggled to confess my plan to my mom: I was going to move to Egypt, and I was leaving on September 3rd. As I was telling her, the tears started pouring, and my eyes were completely covered by them. I felt the buildup of keeping all this a secret just explode inside of me the moment I let it out.
Her hesitation was evident, and I expressed the reasons for this sudden plan, which was not so sudden in reality. Surprisingly, though, she didn’t react as badly as I thought she would. Still, she expressed her concerns about my decision.
Her reaction was way more tempered than my grandmother’s. I am literally like a daughter to her, even though she has over thirty other grandchildren. That’s why it was extremely painful when she told me that I would not be successful as a teacher. This really hurt me, but I knew those words came from her fear of me moving far from her.
This all happened over two years ago, and both my mom and my grandmother have come to understand and respect my life choices. More importantly, and though life abroad is not a piece of cake, I am profoundly grateful that I took the step; I am making the choices that will make me happy long term.
But what if I had allowed my fears of my loved one’s opinions to keep me from making this move?
Most of us, if we’re bold enough to pursue our dreams, will end up disappointing those around us in some way or another — including the ones we love the most. It’s easy to be discouraged, or delay taking the necessary steps out of fear of what your loved ones will think.
Here are some tips I think will make you feel better if you’re facing a similar situation.
Understand where your loved ones are coming from
Our parents grew up in a different world than us. And especially if your parents were born outside your home country, it’s difficult for them to comprehend that you want to make different choices from those they made or had to make.
If they respond negatively to your goals or decisions, it is most likely not because they don’t love you. Rather, they’re uncomfortable with the changes that you are forcing them to live with. Their own fears and self-doubt may arise in light of your bold decision-making.
Keeping this in mind makes it easier to deal with their potential reactions instead of resenting them.
Plan and Commit
This is where I failed the hardest. I changed my mind about this trip so many times, even as I was planning it. There were also some aspects of my new life I didn’t give much thought to, but as I got closer to it, my anxiety about them grew. This made it more difficult to be upfront about my plans with my family.
Once you commit yourself to a specific course of action, despite the feelings of fear that will be tugging at you, develop that vision and decide to commit to it. There is never a right or wrong decision. You will have to figure out what works for you by doing. Thinking alone will not get you the right answer. And showing too much hesitation will only make your loved ones doubt you more. Express those hesitations to someone who might be in a similar situation, or who might not respond as emotionally. In my case, I had a coworker I could speak with and who was my cheerleader. That helped a lot.
Show more than tell
I’ve heard so often that you should share your goals with others so that you have accountability for your actions. I don’t know if that may work for some of you out there. In my case, informing people of my plans is more anxiety-producing than anything else. I honestly prefer to show rather than tell.
From your actions, your loved ones will understand that you are truly committed, and in turn, they may start believing in you much more — or at least accepting your choices more. I do think it’s important to share some parts of your plans with close ones, perhaps the parts that might not scare them as much because getting advice and having someone to bounce off ideas with may help you skip a few feet ahead in your journey.
Let go of the need to be liked
This is the truest cliche I have heard. I can imagine that some of us are more emotional than others. An unsolicited judgment or lack of appropriate response can be enough to throw you off your vision and excitement. The one emotion I’ve struggled with the most and have learned to deal with is my need to be liked. If this need is strong within you, your thoughts and actions will be subject to the thoughts and actions of the people you interact with. Ultimately, this will mean you will arrive where they want you to arrive, not where you want to go.
I hope that my experience can help others out there who are struggling with receiving the approval of their family members, but who are bold enough to dream outside their comfort zone.
Just remember…
- Others can’t see what you can see because they do not have your vision. If your loved ones don’t understand who you are or who you may want to be, they simply don’t view the world the way you do, and that is totally O.K
- Those who truly love you will understand your actions and will wait for you with arms wide open.
- You will be extremely disappointed in yourself if you give up on your desires in order to conform to others’ desires. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own life.
Become an epic (and smart) risk-taker.
